Purpose.

For some time now, I've had an unshakable feeling that there was something inherently missing. What this was, I had no idea. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I felt that there was nothing I was amounting to. Sure, there are my dual bachelor degrees I am very close to completing (English and History). My entire conscious life has been dedicated to the moment that is less than a year away: my college graduation. As my junior year drew to a close, my purpose has never been less clear.

It's highly discomforting, even as I write this. What am I trying to say: that these past few years have been a complete waste of time? Certainly not: I've enjoyed my undergraduate education. It has not been exactly how I imagined it as a naive high school junior, intent on going to a private university. The reality of being a relatively poor immigrant kid, as well as my own financial blunders, have thwarted those ambitions a long time ago. I had hoped to study abroad before my time as an undergraduate is done, and perhaps with more pragmatic approaches to spending and saving can make that particular ambition come true. All in all however, I've been highly content with my decision to study in Brooklyn as opposed to Hamilton, New York.

No, I concluded, it was not my education that felt lacking. Could it possibly be my personal life? As I've hinted at length in this blog, I've been unlucky in love. Although I have not attempted to actively seek out someone to date, or made any outright effort to make myself dateable, I do not think this is what's missing. In all honestly, I've sabotaged any sliver of a chance to date someone who showed genuine interest. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I have fun, caring, intelligent, hilarious friends and family: I have surrounded myself with people who build me up, not tear me down. Those poisonous relationships, as I have discussed, I have successfully eliminated: they did nothing but plague me with unsolicited stress and heartbreaking disappointment. My personal life, as of right now, has been nothing but joyful.

So, what could this incessant nagging feeling of ineptitude possibly be? Surely some comfort could be taken in the fact I managed to (finally!) achieve a 3.925 GPA this semester (why that A- couldn't be an A in one of my English courses, I don't know). Or take some solace that I do relatively well at my part-time job, being named May's Employee of the Month (I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice to get a bonus but I didn't hold my breath for it). Still, the feeling remains.

Question is: where is this all leading to?

I'm not alone in this despair. My best friend in college shared her concerns on the day we both finished finals.

"I feel like I need to do something," she said, while she gesticulated as if this "something" was going to pour out of her chest.

"Hhmm," I said, as I played with the contents of the gyro I no longer had an appetite for eating. "Like what?"

" I don't know. I'm tired of just coming to classes, day in and day out. Sitting in a classroom, taking notes, then taking the bus back home. What is this all amounting to?"

I didn't immediately respond. I looked across from us: students cheerfully sipping their Starbucks, lounging in the shade on the wooden structures close to the Campus Road entrance. Did they share the same concern? Or were they perfectly content drinking their sugary coffee drinks while shuffling between classes?

"I often feel the same way," I said finally, resigned. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Obviously I have to finish my degree."

"It wouldn't make sense to drop out, especially since you're so close to the end."

"Yeah I know. But what am I going to do next?"

Neither of us had a satisfying answer. In the days to come, she told me of her newfound interest: joining the Peace Corps after graduating, helping people in another country as she tried to figure out the next step. I told her that it sounded like a good idea; perhaps it would shed light on what her life's passion really is.

I fear that my sense of purpose might not come as swiftly. This is crunch time everyone (including myself) keeps reminding me: executive decisions need to be taken for our post-graduate plans. I have a few ideas, but nothing solid.

Today, I checked my student email in hopes of landing a free trial of Amazon Prime, but instead found an email from the Scholarship office, urging me (and a number of other students) to consider a couple of opportunities, including the Fulbright and Rhodes Scholarship. I'm not sure whether this was a mass email to the undergraduate population, or to a certain number of possible candidates (I'm thinking the former, given the population of the school; I highly doubt someone took the time to copy and paste only certain people). I love academia, even if I've shown less enthusiasm for some classes than others. While I do not fit the criteria for a Rhodes Scholar (apparently you need to do sports too?), some other ones seem plausible.

I also received an email from my school's career center about a graduate school fair  taking place in two weeks (free!) that I have already RSVPed for. For my fellow college students, I hope you can accompany me to the event.

Perhaps this new information hasn't quelled my thirst for a greater purpose, but its certainly a good start. For now, knowing these opportunities exist have provided a greater comfort about my future than my ability to fold clothing for 4.5 hours a day ever will.