Le Sigh.

Often, I use this space to rant. I believe I will be doing the same now.

I'm not sure if it's because I am tired. I'm not sure if this is a legitimate feeling. Whatever. There's so much I would like to write. Yet when I do sit down to do so, the words do not find their way to the screen.

This is going to be random.

For the sake of being terse, I am simply going to say I feel inadequate in most areas of my life. In school, definitely. In some aspects of my personal life, most definitely. In deciding what to do after graduation, yup.

It seems like I find myself knowing exactly where the problems are, and I know how to solve it (kind of?) but I don't do it. I don't think that makes much sense.

I don't like being negative, usually, and I don't like saying "don't" so often in a short piece such as this one. This is no way to spend one's time, wallowing in shallow despair about things I can't exactly pinpoint. But I know these things are solvable.

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with admitting that I'm not 100% happy. There's nothing wrong with admitting there are parts of life that are not where I want them to be. There's nothing wrong with admitting that I am frustrated that a boy I have the unfortunate circumstance of actually liking is in a relationship with someone else. That's part of the human experience: we have our ups, our downs, our in-betweens. Everything is not always where we want them to be.

It passes.We overcome it. It comes back. And we vent, we cry, we laugh, we write to do so.

Accountable.

It is time for real talk.

Let's cut to the chase: I have been overweight for my entire life. Every so often, I will start some sort of fitness regime and diet in order to lose those 15 pounds I am always looking to lose. Two weeks in, I'm craving buffalo wings, I'm craving spinach and artichoke dip, I'm craving all these wonderfully delicious but sinfully awful things. And I give in. I give in hard. I gain back those measly 2-5 pounds I lost and I give up. And the cycle repeats itself endlessly.

About two months ago, I read an article of a man who lost over 100 pounds. I wish I had bookmarked the link so I can share it here, but I did not. Anyway, he lost the weight by doing the usual: diet, exercise, and a complete overhaul of his lifestyle. He explained that he too would commit himself to losing weight but he would quit shortly after. He believed he was doomed to be obese for the rest of his life. He eventually came to the realization that he constantly failed because it was a private battle; he would not tell his family or friends because he was afraid of being mocked. More than anything, he was afraid of failing in front of them. And then it clicked: he would be motivated if he in fact let his family and friends know about his weight loss experiences in a very public way. Failing was no longer an option. He began blogging about his journey to lose the weight every single day. He continues losing weight to this day.

It's really a shame that I didn't save the link. On his blog, he writes extensively about his day, the amount of time he spent working out, and what exercises he did. He also writes in excruciating detail about every morsel he has had during the day. He does this in order to be accountable for every single action he takes during the course of the day, and it impacts him in the long run. He shares what he's feeling that day, whether it's him feeling great or absolutely hating having to diet or whatever. He has inspired dozens of people to do the same.

Well, I felt pretty inspired to do the same. These past 3 weeks however I have been eating poorly and not exercising at all. I am aware though that a skirt I wear to work is starting to feel slightly tighter, and that's not a good look. My mom told me I looked like a big box today. Whether I like it or not, my mom's opinion on how I look affects me even though I brush it off as her being a bitch to my friends. At least she didn't tell me today that if she looked like me she would throw herself off the Brooklyn Bridge. I can't make this shit up.

Regardless, I have wanted to lose weight for such a loooooonnngggg time. Unfortunately, my attempts are usually unsuccessful. So I'm going to put it out there: I'm going to lose weight, damn it. I think I'll start a separate blog about it, since this one is not about my trails and tribulations about the size of my ass. My first entry will be tomorrow and I'll put the link up here. I simply can't update every single day but I will strive to update four days a week.

I am more than aware it is easier said than done. I absolutely hate working out and I hate depriving myself of that occasional slice of pizza. I HATE IT. However, I hate having to buy size 8 jeans and having to suck in my stomach every time I pass by a full size mirror even more. I hate hate hate sweating and huffing and puffing. But, I hate not being able to button button-down shirts I try on that look so damn good on other people even more.

With that said, it's time to suck it up! I hope to do some kickboxing and cardio and yoga these coming weeks as well as eating correctly and avoiding eating out with my wonderful friends. (Seriously, love you guys, but we need to stop eating out!)

I hope you all read along. This is going to be possibly disastrous but with your constant checking up on my blog, I hope that gives me some extra motivation other than fitting (and looking good!) in size 4 Banana Republic skinny jeans.

And please, don't hesitate commenting, if anyone bothers reading this. If just one other person reads along, I will be incredibly content.

Writing.

I do not have anything remotely interesting to say in this particular post, but I felt like I should be doing some writing. You are forewarned for whatever rants I might go on about.

I'm an English and History major and writing is obviously a major component of my degree. I've discussed this several times here in one way or the other.

This summer, I have not done not one bit of productive reading or writing at all. Granted, I am on vacation but that doesn't make me feel less guilty. I think my lack of reading directly affects the quality of my writing, in terms of both diction and syntax. My grammar becomes more flexible during the warmer months. I have been saying things like "Ok'RRRRR," "Meow," and "My man, go wash your penis" on a regular basis. Not exactly the sort of vocabulary a college junior should really be using in mixed company, especially one that is a slave to the rules and regulations of the written English language.

Instead of picking up some literature worth reading, I've been reading posts on lamebook.com, Facebook status updates worthy of lamebook status, and shorthand texts. I personally never stoop so low that I spell out "u" instead of "you" in a text message, but if I don't get back to school and do some real writing, I might succumb to that. And yes, I do have a sense of superiority that I do not shorthand text and I do not feel guilty about it at all.

With that said, I'm excited for the start of Fall 2010 on the 26th. My very first class is an English class, although I can't remember if it's my Introduction to Creative Writing class or the Modernism one. Either way, I'm looking forward to it. The thought of having deadlines for papers and interpreting texts is a happy one, for now. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when midterms start to roll around and I have 5 papers and 3 finals to study for, like last semester. I need to sharpen my vocabulary and refine my writing once again. All play and no work makes me a dull girl.

Give and Get is Here!

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from August 26-29 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy and we'll donate 5% of what you spend to a non-profit."

 

I'm an employee at Gap Inc., and occasionally we have special deals we can only offer our friends and family. The link above is to receive 30% your purchase at any Old Navy, Gap, and/or Banana Republic starting August 26-29. 5% of your purchase will go to Teach for America, the non profit organization of my choice.

I decided to choose Teach for America because having truly dedicated and passionate teachers can shape one's entire educational and professional future. Teachers have been incredibly important for nurturing my love in writing and literature, and my passion for learning in general. My favorite teachers and professors will always have a special place in my heart, and I hope that every student in America's public school system can feel the same way I do about my overall education experience. An education is so inherently important to one's development not just in an intellectual, getting-an-awesome-GPA way. Knowledge is power. It is something no one can take away from you, it is something you can grow from in so many different ways, ways one does not even realize. Without education and the willingness to learn, nothing fruitful can come about. For knowledge to make such a profound impact, the education system, especially in impoverished areas around the country, needs amazing teachers. Teachers who care about their students, new idealists with fresh ideas and a clean emotional slate. Teach for America allows recent college graduates to teach to kids who normally wouldn't have teachers that meet their needs. Teach for America is about reshaping how we feel about teachers and the learning experience, which is very important to me.

I'm not saying this as some BS propaganda my job is making me do. Not at all. I think this is an amazing opportunity to bring awareness to issues we often forget because it's simply not in our daily lives. Other organizations Gap Inc. is supporting is Feeding America, WWF, (Red), The Leukemia and lymphoma society, and Big Brothers and Big Sisters. I'm sure many employees are going to go for the Luekemia and lymphoma society and (Red) because they probably know someone with the diseases these non-profits are trying to combat. These are all extremely incredible organizations, but I felt Teach for America is just as special and does not get as much visibility as the others.

I know at least one other person reads my blog, so I hope they take advantage of this =] But even if you happen to be passing through my blog for some unknown reason, please feel free to use the discount. You'll save some money, get an offer normal customers usually do not have, and help an awesome cause!

Boyfriends, take II.

In light of several conversations I have had in the past few days, I felt the need to revisit this topic again.

My cousin and I were discussing relationships on Saturday evening, next to a boy she is currently crushing on. While swigging a Corona Extra around, I proudly announced I didn't want to look for a boyfriend, that I didn't want a boyfriend, and that I didn't need a boyfriend. She had a different opinion.

"Really? I go crazy without a boyfriend."

This evening, my friends and I were discussing one of my friend's boyfriends. My friend without the boyfriend quipped: "Having a boyfriend sounds like a lot of work."

So why is it many of us desire one?

I came to the not-so-original conclusion during my fifteen minute break at work. We want to be wanted by someone we want. This is what we crave. We want someone to desire us for our physical attributes, as well as our personalities, passions, morals, and flaws. We want to have a stable source of affection. We want someone to love us completely. We want everything this person has to offer us, even if it means arguing over the most trivial situations, putting up with their foreign habits, accepting certain unchangeable differences.

Perhaps I am not actively searching for a boyfriend. However, I am not completely closed off to the idea either.

Differing, Part III.

The following is the final part of an opinion paper I wrote for my expository writing class.

I suppose I should clarify the meaning of “differing.” I derive my definition from Edward Said’s Orientalism, somewhat. In this book, he argues European elites would record history and often omit the merits of other cultures considered nonwhite. At the same time, they would downplay the atrocities European nations have caused in other countries. Ultimately, it comes down to creating conscious but superficial differences between races to keep propagating false ideas of supremacy and entitlement. Differing has had incredibly damaging effects on America. Arizona will continue to “differ” people by asking them for legal documentation solely based on their appearance, the way they dress, or maybe even the restaurants they frequent. This law sends out the message that if you are different, you deserve to be harassed for papers and if you just so happened to forget your drivers license, you are going to jail. Yes, for being different. For not resembling an American citizen.
 
I believe Arizona has failed to understand there is no quintessential American citizen. There never has been. Most Americans do not derive from America, unless you happen to Native American. For those who can trace their lineage to the days of colonialism, I think it is important to realize that their ancestors were in fact here illegally. They chased out the real Americans off the land. Had a law like Arizona’s been around in the late 17th century, there would be no modern day America. So, the real question I would like to pose is: How is Arizona going to enforce this inane law without being incredibly discriminatory? The answer is that it is not possible. Americans will again tap into the dark legacy of shunning those that come from different backgrounds and force them to assimilate into whatever “American”culture really is. The fact of the matter is this will not happen. It never has. This new law is no more than a poor excuse to go on a witch hunt.

Differing has never solved anything for this country. It has been the cause of countless social problems and misunderstandings. If this law does indeed go into effect in June, it will force people to continue differing, to point out what is “wrong” in others based on their superficial differences. Illegal immigration is a problem, without a doubt. But having law enforcement identify them on a hunch because of the way they look is ludicrous. There has to be alternatives to counteract illegal immigration. Until then, let people celebrate their culture without fear of being singled out for it.


So there you have it, some historical perspectives on discrimination in the United States and how it compares to the stupid Arizona illegal immigration law. I am not sure how effective this essay is so if you just so happened to read it all, let me know in the comments! Or in person! Don't sugarcoat it either; I want to know the honest truth.

Differing, Part II.

The following is the second part an opinion paper I wrote for my expository writing class. I'll post the last part in the next few days.
 
African-Americans have not been the only group to suffer the government’s--and the general public’s--incompetency. Immigrants of the late nineteenth century and early twentieth century encountered  problems of their own. When immigrants from southern and eastern Europe and especially Ireland,  they were promised a land that would not discriminate, a land that can make all their dreams come true. Sadly, this was not the case for many of them. It is no secret that urban life in the 1800s and early 1900s was appalling: lack of plumbing and a proper sanitation department meant filthy conditions, inadequate tenement housing made for unimaginable cramped quarters, and very low wages meant staying in these conditions. All in all, many immigrants had a pretty dismal life in urban areas, especially in New York City. To add insult to injury, these immigrants were largely resented by “Americans” who were also toiling and struggling to survive. Store owners in cities like New York and Boston would post “Irish need not apply” to their store fronts. Italian immigrants were thought of as “unclean” people. These groups lived in among the worst neighborhoods, such as the infamous Five Points in Lower Manhattan.

Essentially, there was a vicious cycle occurring in urban areas: immigrants that were considered inherently “nonwhite” and therefore savage and violent, would only get hired at places with minimal wages. Because of their low wages, they lived in abysmal places. Because they lived in abysmal places, poor quality of life was rampant which contributed to drunkenness and violence. Because of the drunkenness and violence that emerged from immigrant neighborhoods, it would continue to fuel the stereotype that these ethnic groups were savage and violent. What occurred to the Irish and the Italian immigrants of the 19th century could have been prevented. It was the narrow mindset of Americans as identifying these groups as stupid and useless that led to the demographics of the urban slums. In other words, this was discrimination at its absolute worst.

I would like to believe American society has come a long way since Reconstruction and the immigration waves of the 1800s. I was under the impression activists made great strides with the Civil Rights Movement, the Brown vs. Board of Education decision, and the final dismantling of Jim Crow laws. I truly wanted to believe we were moving towards a post-racial society, where race was not an indication of one’s “value” or “worth.” This law in Arizona says otherwise. It says that “differing” is alive and well, that it has to be the “American” way, or the high way.

Part III soon!